STRATEGIES
FOR MANAGING THREATS OF AND/OR PERSONAL EXPOSURE
You need to know and completely understand that many stranger-adoptees are extremely aggressive in hunting down the *Biological Source/Carriers and refuse to take no for an answer. If these stranger-adoptees are not successful or satisfied with gaining access to you, they will track down members of your immediate family, extended family, friends, neighbors and acquaintances. They will circulate your personal information over the internet. They will not keep your secret. Understand that they feel entirely and obsessively entitled to you and everything about you. They do not just go away.
The State of New Jersey will be releasing personal and private adoption information in January 2017. Chances are good that you or someone in your family will be contacted by the State, the adoption agency and/or directly by the stranger-adoptee.
Each woman's situation is different. The strategies we offer here are only suggestions based on our experience. Unfortunately no suggestion is guaranteed to work, but hopefully some will prove helpful.
*** DON'T PANIC:
Know that you have the courage and strength to deal with the situation confronting you. Yes, it is extremely, sometimes unbearably difficult, but you can and must face it.
*** PREPARE A PLAN OF ACTION BEFORE YOU NEED IT
*** PROACTIVE APPROACH:
If you haven't been contacted by the adoption agency, State or adoptee, but are concerned that this is going to occur, consider contacting the adoption agency/State first. You can still request redaction of you name before January 1, 2017.
Direct the State to notify you immediately if any inquiries are made regarding your records and if any information was divulged and to whom.
Sign and date all correspondence.
Keep copies of all correspondence.
*** P.O. BOX, CELL PHONE, COMPUTER
If confidentiality is vital, consider a P.O. Box for correspondence; use public computers, (available at libraries, etc.); and a personal cell phone that only you have access to. Consider a safety deposit box for copies of all communications.
*** IF YOU ARE CONTACTED BY AGENCY OR STATE:
It is in your best interest to respond. They will not go away.
Contact them in writing (all correspondence should be signed and dated) stating you want no further contact from them (the agency/State) or from the adoptee. Remember: you are not required to divulge any personal or medical information. You may want to check with an attorney regarding this based on the State of New Jersey’s requirements for redaction of you name.
Keep copies.
*** REVEALING YOUR SECRET:
If you've been contacted by the agency/State, but not yet the adoptee, you must seriously consider revealing your secret to your loved ones or at least a loved and trusted person who can offer support and comfort.
Revealing your secret yourself will allow you to tell your own story in the way you want and need to tell it.
MAINTAIN YOUR BOUNDARIES:
It is your ordeal. You get to set the boundaries. You get to say there will be no compromises, if you so choose. Set your boundaries and stick with them.
*** CONSIDER RETAINING AN ATTORNEY:
If you think you need an attorney to advocate for you with the agency/State/adoptee, be absolutely sure the attorney understands and respects your case and your boundaries. If she/he pushes you into compromises you are absolutely against or tries to make you feel guilty for your position, find another attorney. Quick!
*** UNWANTED CONTACT BY THE ADOPTEE:
If you are contacted by the adoptee, tell the adoptee you wish no contact.
If the adoptee refuses to stop contacting you, have your attorney contact the adoptee advising the adoptee that any further contact will be considered harassment.
DO NOT give the adoptee any personal information hoping the adoptee will go away. It won't work.
Non compliance with your/your attorney's direction to stop contact with you can be interpreted as Stalking. Stalking is a CRIME.
*** STALKING:
Stalking is any unwanted contact that communicates a threat or places the victim in fear. This communication could involve repeated visual or physical contact, verbal, written or implied threats, nonconsensual communication, or a combination of these measures.
*We reject and never use any familial terminology relating to catastrophic and traumatic pregnancies.
*We reject maternalizing sexual violation of girls and women.
FOR MANAGING THREATS OF AND/OR PERSONAL EXPOSURE
You need to know and completely understand that many stranger-adoptees are extremely aggressive in hunting down the *Biological Source/Carriers and refuse to take no for an answer. If these stranger-adoptees are not successful or satisfied with gaining access to you, they will track down members of your immediate family, extended family, friends, neighbors and acquaintances. They will circulate your personal information over the internet. They will not keep your secret. Understand that they feel entirely and obsessively entitled to you and everything about you. They do not just go away.
The State of New Jersey will be releasing personal and private adoption information in January 2017. Chances are good that you or someone in your family will be contacted by the State, the adoption agency and/or directly by the stranger-adoptee.
Each woman's situation is different. The strategies we offer here are only suggestions based on our experience. Unfortunately no suggestion is guaranteed to work, but hopefully some will prove helpful.
*** DON'T PANIC:
Know that you have the courage and strength to deal with the situation confronting you. Yes, it is extremely, sometimes unbearably difficult, but you can and must face it.
*** PREPARE A PLAN OF ACTION BEFORE YOU NEED IT
*** PROACTIVE APPROACH:
If you haven't been contacted by the adoption agency, State or adoptee, but are concerned that this is going to occur, consider contacting the adoption agency/State first. You can still request redaction of you name before January 1, 2017.
Direct the State to notify you immediately if any inquiries are made regarding your records and if any information was divulged and to whom.
Sign and date all correspondence.
Keep copies of all correspondence.
*** P.O. BOX, CELL PHONE, COMPUTER
If confidentiality is vital, consider a P.O. Box for correspondence; use public computers, (available at libraries, etc.); and a personal cell phone that only you have access to. Consider a safety deposit box for copies of all communications.
*** IF YOU ARE CONTACTED BY AGENCY OR STATE:
It is in your best interest to respond. They will not go away.
Contact them in writing (all correspondence should be signed and dated) stating you want no further contact from them (the agency/State) or from the adoptee. Remember: you are not required to divulge any personal or medical information. You may want to check with an attorney regarding this based on the State of New Jersey’s requirements for redaction of you name.
Keep copies.
*** REVEALING YOUR SECRET:
If you've been contacted by the agency/State, but not yet the adoptee, you must seriously consider revealing your secret to your loved ones or at least a loved and trusted person who can offer support and comfort.
Revealing your secret yourself will allow you to tell your own story in the way you want and need to tell it.
MAINTAIN YOUR BOUNDARIES:
It is your ordeal. You get to set the boundaries. You get to say there will be no compromises, if you so choose. Set your boundaries and stick with them.
*** CONSIDER RETAINING AN ATTORNEY:
If you think you need an attorney to advocate for you with the agency/State/adoptee, be absolutely sure the attorney understands and respects your case and your boundaries. If she/he pushes you into compromises you are absolutely against or tries to make you feel guilty for your position, find another attorney. Quick!
*** UNWANTED CONTACT BY THE ADOPTEE:
If you are contacted by the adoptee, tell the adoptee you wish no contact.
If the adoptee refuses to stop contacting you, have your attorney contact the adoptee advising the adoptee that any further contact will be considered harassment.
DO NOT give the adoptee any personal information hoping the adoptee will go away. It won't work.
Non compliance with your/your attorney's direction to stop contact with you can be interpreted as Stalking. Stalking is a CRIME.
*** STALKING:
Stalking is any unwanted contact that communicates a threat or places the victim in fear. This communication could involve repeated visual or physical contact, verbal, written or implied threats, nonconsensual communication, or a combination of these measures.
*We reject and never use any familial terminology relating to catastrophic and traumatic pregnancies.
*We reject maternalizing sexual violation of girls and women.
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