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What NOT to Say to a Victim of Sexual Violence

3/25/2014

 
By Kathleen Hoy Foley
Recently I received a communication from someone who shall remain anonymous—okay, it was my brother-in-law.  For some time now brother-in-law has known about my ordeal of abuse, rape, impregnation by rape, rescue by the confidential adoption process, and stalking by a crazed adoptee obsessed with Kumbaya fantasies.  Up to this point, however, brother-in-law has chosen silence.  Many families are good at ignoring the smelly elephant stomping about in the family loop—Phil’s relatives excel.  Over time, the burden of lugging around his family’s cold shoulder became exhausting and oppressive and ultimately Phil and I quietly disengaged from all contact.
 
Evidently our silence disrupted the strict order of hierarchy, duty, and obligation that controls the mechanics maintaining the all-is-peachy façade so vital for preserving comfort inside the family circle.  When Mass cards, concerned phone calls about weather conditions in our area of the country, and invitations to this or that event proved ineffective in wrangling us back into the sibling fold, and after a subordinate emissary sent by brother-in-law failed to persuade, brother-in-law broke his silence.  Hence his note.  Lucky me.  Had brother-in-law truly been the wise man he fancies himself, he would’ve kept a lid on his trap, or at least feigned a bit of the humility he preaches before he opened it.
 
I simply cannot express how grateful I am to know that, despite what brother-in-law knows about me, his good opinion of me has not changed.  I am glad he actually put this in writing.  When I’m feeling low, I can always reread his magnanimous judgment of me and once again experience the wonder of his generosity.  Especially because of what happened to me, you know, down there.  How very fortunate I am that brother-in-law is willing to forgive me for being repeatedly raped, then impregnated by rape.  Indeed I am honored that he does not hold this messy ordeal against me.  I will think about his charity the next time he goes into the hospital to have the thick, foul smelling mucus drained out of his sinuses.  Maybe after being inspired by his benevolence, I will be inspired to forgive him for having such a disgusting nose.  I will have to consult my oracle cards on this.

I am also thrilled to know that brother-in-law has permanently inked me in on his prayer list.  Nightly, it seems, he petitions Jesus on my behalf!  Using my name no less!  Apparently uttering my name is an extra high blessing to be taken very seriously.  Only, he should’ve asked me first before bothering.  If ever there’s a place I never want to be, it’s stuck inside brother-in-law’s head right next to his stinky, clogged sinuses.  In fact, I do not appreciate being slapped on anyone’s prayer list.  Depending on intentions, prayers can turn abusive.  I won’t go into details, but if you’ve ever been the target of a predator’s obsessive, fanatical prayers, you know what I’m talking about.
 
Good works are what I value.  If brother-in-law actually wants to do something truly beneficial, victims of sexual abuse—including girls and women forced to bear catastrophic pregnancies—need many loud, supportive, courageous voices especially in his Church where brother-in-law is a leader.  Lying in bed in his boxers pleading with Jesus doesn’t do much for me or other rape victims, including those hiding in shame inside his own family.

Besides I broke up with Jesus.  This parting of ways was not amicable, but the relationship was unhealthy from the beginning.  Jesus wore out his welcome.  He had to go.  Brother-in-law has no business pestering Jesus and dragging him to my door.  Me and Jesus have a truce, sort of, as long as Jesus respects my boundaries.  We both have work to do.  I go my way.  Jesus goes his.  It works.  Brother-in-law needs to leave it there.

Brother-in-law is blind to this, but I am a loaded shotgun with a hair trigger aimed at the belly of ignorance.  And look who decided to walk right into the crosshairs.  However, because I don’t want to rape brother-in-law’s dignity, I’ll keep it toned down: No “civilian” (defined as someone not engaged in battle with the lifelong consequences of sexual trauma), brother-in-law included, need ever, EVER offer an opinion on the nightmare endured by victims of sexual violence.  “Civilians” have zero entitlement to opinion, judgment, or observations—which always reflects their personal and religious prejudices—about which they know nothing.  It’s this way: Gays are entitled to speak about the gay experience.  They know.  I don’t.  Brother-in-law and all “civilians” need to step away from the moral high ground, stop flapping their gums, and become educated on the realities of sexual abuse and the covert violence culture and religion continues to perpetuate against victims.
 
Ask me.  Ask Phil.  Read my books.  Read all our blogs and articles.  Listen to our taped interviews posted on this website.  The information is available.

In his “lovely” note, brother-in-law could have simply stated, “Kathleen, I am so sorry about what happened to you.”  That’s all any “civilian” needs to say to any victim of abuse: I’m so sorry that happened to you.  Say it.  Mean it.  Those few words have the power to warm a wounded soul.  Said often and by many, those few words--I’m so sorry that happened to you—can transform a wounded soul.  Jesus would not argue with that.

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    About the Author

    In the provocative spirit of Matilda Joslyn Gage, Gloria Anzaldua, and Mary Daly, Kathleen Hoy Foley expands and deepens the voice of female experience.

    Raw. Uncompromising. Compassionate. Deliberately antagonistic. Kathleen writes to awaken the courage within the reader.


    TO THE SURVIVOR
    If you are a person who was victimized as a child or as an adult, I am so very sorry you ever had to suffer at the hands of a predator. 

    I am sorry you were abused, sorry no one protected you, sorry you have felt so alone, sorry you have been so afraid then and in the now. I am so sorry for the loss of your innocence. 

    You were and are entitled to you life. And you had a right to inherit your own body. And no matter what you did or what you think you failed to do you are not to blame. Sexual abuse is never a victim's choice. Sexual abuse is something that was done to your body not something you wanted. 

    This is an excerpt from: 

    http://web.archive.org/web/20130101063123/http://true-perspective.org 

    Kathleen and I encourage you to visit this site for perspective on your ordeal. Live happy and whole. Claim you power! 

    You are your own authority.

    Question Everything.  Including social, religious & political authorities

    Learn to listen and respond to your intuition.  It is never wrong.

    Learn to be impolite.  It must be part of your defense system.

    Nothing is unspeakable.

    Stare truth in the eye and speak it.

    You name abuse.  Listen to your body.  It will tell you.  It is never wrong. 

    Stare abuse in the eye and speak it.

    Stare abusers in the eye and name them.

    Use your voice.  Use your words. 

    BE LOUD.  Violence against girls, boys, women and men hides in the silent shadows.

    Know that you are powerful.

    KNOW THAT YOUR VOICE IS POWERFUL.   USE IT.


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